December 15th, 2024
This season we were sent an email with prompts that might help inspire us. I glanced through the email and noticed the phrase “wait for the Lord”. It struck me because waiting (for anything) is…not my favorite activity. Patience is a virtue that does not come to me naturally. But I am working hard to cultivate it.
Most of where I feel connected to patience is in my writing. Writing is generative and in my control. I work on my schedule at the pace that makes sense for me. I come up with new project ideas, rewrite drafts, start new projects, etc. mostly on my own timelines. Sometimes external deadlines occur or I’m waiting to hear back about a job, residency, or commission but the writing itself happens on my schedule. It has been a tool for my impatience and anxiety. When I feel anxious about anything I can write it down, write about it, or write to distract myself from it. But when I feel anxious and am not in a place to sit down and write, it’s a little harder.
Recently, I have been reflecting on the relationship between anxiety, faith, and patience. For me anxiety and impatience go hand in hand. I’m most anxious when I want something now. Or I want to fix something now. When I’m so focused on the result, or what I want, or need, or think other people need, everything else goes out the window. I’m filling with the sensation of urgency, impatience, and a ticking clock towards some invented end time. And when I act or make decisions from that place, things don’t go very well. Because I’m operating from a place where I’m not trusting myself, or what I can’t see, or that God’s got some kind of plan. But when I can slow down and ask myself, “Why am I so anxious about this?” I’m able to hear the lack in my thoughts.
“Why am I so anxious? Because I don’t think any other opportunity like this will ever come my way again.”
“Why am I so anxious? Because I can’t say how I feel, or I’ll mess everything up and lose this person from my life.”
“Why am I so anxious? Because I’ll never figure out how to fix this.”
“Why am I so anxious? Because there’s not enough time and if it’s not now it’ll be never!”
When I can slow down, I can hear the negativity, the lack of faith, and the falsity in those statements. They sound sillier than they feel. And I remember that what’s meant for me will find me at the exact right time. If I mess something up, I’m capable of fixing it and I’ll make amends but what’s meant for me will stay no matter what. In the slow moments, where I can connect to those truths, I’m able to instinctively know and feel what to do. Sometimes it feels like my intuition and sometimes it feels like a still, small, voice like a message from God. And when I’ve let those feelings and instincts guide me, they’ve always brought great things to pass.
So, this Advent season, I’m going to lean into practicing patience and faith. I’m excited to wait for the Lord and all the miracles that I can’t yet see but know are coming this holiday and in the upcoming year. And in the meantime, I’ll write and reflect on all the miracles he’s brought into my life in this past year that I didn’t see coming. (And thank him in advance for the next.)
Ali Keller is a writer based in NYC. Her first Off-Broadway run will be in the fall of 2025. You can find out more about her here.