Wednesday, April 16
Thirty Pieces of Silver, Cornelia Parker, CBE (1988-89) — Tate, London.
Judas had his spy eye on the world prize
(and half the time I do as well).
I am not here to figure out why Judas sold his friend Jesus out for 30 pieces of silver. But I do know what it’s like to sell my proverbial soul for a pittance of world acclaim.
I know what it is like to distrust my place upon Holy Ground, my membership with the Lord’s disciples, armed with my covert motives.
Jesus: “One of you is about to betray me.”
Me: Lord, how do I betray you? Not being fully alive? Avoiding situations where I just might fail? Cutting myself off from connection, intimacy, and new life? Vulnerability?
John 13:27 “As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him.”
How insidious and blind am I to evil’s siren song?
Jesus: “What you were about to do, do quickly.”
When Judas realizes what he’s done, he wants to repent, but the world won’t let him.
Matthew 27:5: “Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.”
Me: I know what it’s like to feel unforgivable. To take matters into my own hands, to manipulate, hide, and condemn myself. I pray to fall into the graceful hand of God.
When I look to the miracles that Judas witnessed, I wonder how he could’ve disbelieved. The cures, restored speech, hearing, sight. Just look to the raising of Lazarus! How can one not believe?
What about me?
Surviving a childhood of abuse and neglect.
Being blessed with sobriety at age 20.
My beautiful family, my loving husband, Tom and two great kids, Gabrielle and Liam.
My voice, acting, writing, and composing talents.
Great friends, and community.
My Lord and Savior Jesus.
And yet, out of nowhere, I can fall into negativity, self-pity, and the incessant need to prove my worth.
Why do I give into worldly acclaim?
Oh! You mean I'm human?
I'd rather chase a pittance of fame.
Given to dismal security.
Less I fail into dazzling surrender.
Maybe my greatest failure is shouldering the burden alone?
That reference to my incessant need to prove my worth? Could that have been a motive of Judas? And as he realized too late the worthlessness of silver, will I continue to chase after stuff or will I release my cling and surrender to Christ priceless love?
And a little postscript. I am eternally grateful to Judas’s betrayal. For as painful as it is to imagine the sufferings of Christ, without it, the wheels could not have been set in motion for the Crucifixion. Oh, for the mysterious Grace of God!
Doreen Firestone is the playwright, composer, and star of The Prodigal Daughter, a living theatrical meditation based on the biblical parable. Stay tuned for her spiritual memoir, based on the 11K-plus notes she has compiled in her iPhone notes app.